A manager walks into a meeting and says, “How many times do I have to explain this?”
The employee responds, “I was only trying to…”
The manager interrupts: “I don’t need an explanation. Just get it done.”
I have seen versions of this conversation play out in meeting rooms many times. It lasts less than a minute, but something important has already shifted. The manager walks away believing they were decisive; the employee leaves feeling defensive or unheard.What if we had a simple framework to understand what was happening beneath the words?
This is why I find Transactional Analysis, or TA, useful in leadership conversations. Developed by psychiatrist Eric Berne, TA helps us notice not only what people say, but the position from which they say it. Though rooted in psychotherapy, it offers practical insights into employee experience, psychological safety, manager capability and workplace relationships.
The Three Voices we bring to Work
One of TA’s most useful ideas is that we do not speak from the same inner position in every conversation. Berne described three broad Ego States: Parent, Adult and Child. They are ways of describing how we may think, feel and behave in a particular moment.
A leader operating from a Critical Parent position might say: “You should have known better.”
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A leader operating from a Nurturing Parent position might say: “I know this is difficult. Let’s see how I can support you.”
An Adult response might be:”Let’s understand what happened, what is still pending and what we need to do next.”
Leaders often judge a conversation by what they intended, while employees experience its impact. A leader may seek accountability but leave the other person fearful or dependent. Recognising this gap is an important leadership capability.
How Conversations create Patterns
TA describes exchanges between people as Transactions.Consider a manager asking, “Why is this still not completed?”
The employee may respond defensively:”I have been working on it. I don’t have enough time.”
The manager becomes more critical and says: “There is always an excuse.”
The employee withdraws, repeating a familiar pattern. Now imagine the manager starting differently: “I noticed the deadline has moved. Help me understand what happened.”
The employee is more likely to explain the situation rather than defend themselves.The leader can then ask:”What options do we have from here, and what support do you need?” Accountability remains with the employee, but the conversation no longer begins with an accusation.
Not every conversation must be pleasant, nor should leaders avoid difficult conversations. Adult-to-adult communication keeps attention on the issue, available choices and next steps while creating space for people to think, take responsibility and act.
Recognition is also a Leadership Behaviour
TA calls recognition or acknowledgement of another person’s contribution as Strokes. Organisations spend heavily on engagement surveys to learn whether employees feel valued, yet leaders can shape that experience every day through small interactions.
“Good job.”
“I noticed how you handled that customer.”
“Your analysis helped us make a better decision.”
Specific and genuine recognition reinforces valued behaviour. “Good job” acknowledges an outcome; “I noticed how you handled that customer” tells the employee what the leader saw. When effort goes unnoticed, ideas are dismissed, or attention comes only when something goes wrong, leaders create discontent. Recognition is not merely an HR initiative; it is a daily leadership behaviour.
The Assumptions we Carry
TA also asks us to examine the assumptions we carry into relationships. Its concept of Life Positions describes the basic beliefs we may hold about our own worth and capability, and about the worth and capability of others. In everyday leadership, these positions can quietly shape whom we trust, how closely we supervise and how readily we listen. At a simple level, TA describes four positions:
• I am OK – You are OK
• I am OK – You are Not OK
• I am Not OK – You are OK
• I am Not OK – You are Not OK
Consider a leader who frequently thinks:“If I don’t step in, my team won’t get it right.”
The behaviour may look like micromanagement, but underneath he might carry an assumption of “I am OK, You are Not OK.”
Another leader may constantly defer to others:“They probably know better than me.”
The behaviour may look like a lack of confidence, potentially reflecting an “I am Not OK, You are OK” position.
Leaders may not consciously hold these beliefs, but the assumptions can still influence how they delegate, challenge, trust, listen and make decisions. The aspiration is to operate increasingly from an “I am OK – You are OK” position: recognising one’s own worth and capability while respecting the worth and capability of others. It is not an assumption that everyone is always right. It is a commitment to address the issue without diminishing either person.
In coaching, meaningful shifts often begin with recognising one’s pattern: “I become controlling when things are not moving fast enough.” Once the pattern is visible, a different response becomes possible. Another leader admitted, “When a senior stakeholder challenges me, I defend my position before understanding the question.” The conversation then shifted from answering convincingly to listening without defensiveness.
From Awareness to Leadership Choice
The value of TAis not in knowing psychological terms, but in noticing a pattern early enough to pause and ask:
What is happening in me right now?
What response am I inviting from them? and
Is this conversation helping us move toward the outcome we need?
We cannot control another person’s response, but we can become more conscious of what we bring into the interaction. In flatter, collaborative organisations, more than authority or expertise, leadership requires noticing the human dynamics beneath performance and changing our own patterns before others to change theirs.
